In re: The Cowardice of Solicitors and the Velvet Necessity of Courage in Litigation
Filed under: Recruitment, Velvet Litigation, Courage Merchandising
Reference Code: SWANK–SOLICITOR–WANTED
Filed by: Polly Chromatic, Director
I. The Position
SWANK London Ltd. seeks counsel of a rare calibre:
Not frightened by acronyms (EPO, ICO, JR, PSO).
Immune to bureaucratic intimidation.
Willing to litigate against institutions rather than bow to them.
Comfortable working in green and black (colours of cultivated disgust).
This is not a role for the faint of heart. Cowards need not apply.
II. Candidate Profile
Required Attributes:
A taste for the absurdities of English safeguarding law.
Mastery of procedure without worshipping it.
A velvet disdain for misconduct.
A tolerance for excessive documentation, colour-coded exhibits, and snobby addenda.
Preferred:
A moral compass that points due North.
A willingness to be seen in public standing next to Polly Chromatic.
III. Compensation
Eternal glory in the SWANK Evidentiary Catalogue.
A permanent footnote in the dismantling of institutional mediocrity.
Occasional tea.
IV. SWANK’s Position
The legal marketplace is overpopulated with timorous advisors, deferential apologists, and institutional whisperers. SWANK does not require another coward.
We require a solicitor with courage, taste, and stamina.
If you cannot litigate with disgust, you cannot litigate with us.
Availability
Not in stores. Not on Amazon.
If you believe you are up to the challenge of representing SWANK, direct your application — with suitable hauteur — to:
📧 director@swanklondon.com
(timid practitioners need not apply).
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